What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:00
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What was your best sex experience that still makes you horny?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But, we were locked up after school.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
She found it foreign!.
We all went to grammer schools
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were not on the streets..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She married twice! .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So, i spoilt her more .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
Would this be the day?
What did i know ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My life is so biszare .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I have no regrets .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was scared of men, in general
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Put me off passion for life!!
I don,t even have a pension.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was in good health!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It was going to be , some day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why did i forgive my father ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Especially a lifetime of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!